Monday, November 29, 2010
Dear Lonely
The cold front of nearly-Christmas day.
I was kind of feeling extravagantly lonely. Not the kind that everyone suggest as an “emo”. It was absurd. I know. Still have platelets of un-done emotion from the past. I’m not in distraught, or was maybe. But this loneliness is actually plain. Plain loneliness expressed by my air-head.
Sometimes I feel this, sometimes I don’t, and most of the time I didn’t even think such word exists. But unfortunately, today, I feel it. Like I am the sponge and the loneliness is water.
Too good to be true, you don’t exist anymore. Yup, you’re gone and all I was left was memories that I wish I still clung into. No, I do not wish to cling on it but I once hope. Well part of me was happy part was chilly.
Thanks to the unexplainable weather.
And to my brain dealer.
And to my heart healer.
Wow. It actually rhymes.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Life.Life.Life
After months that felt like decades, I'm back in here. Blog World.
I've been like a corpse teacher [ rephrased as; Corpse student teacher ]. look ghostly with dark circle under my eyes, dry skin [ moisturizers didn't do a thing. I don't apply lotion, honestly, cause it felt sloppy for me ], exes fats [ caused by un-metabolized food triggered by having to eat faster because of mass paperworks], and dysfunctional brain works. [ self explanatory].
Being in school was like being inside an extensive care unit. The only difference is there were no doctors but professors full of effiness. Saying blah blah blahs and leaving us the rest of their blah blah blahs. Am not complaining tho. I am, actually grateful because it is all over. Well not really over, since we had just started the 2nd semester. But atleast, we had time to rest.
Now. Here I am, feeling like a chamberlain. Highest official of myself.
Last All soul/saint's day, I tried visiting my deceased relatives. Problem was I was lost, I don't know where they are. Tho I really wanted to visit them especially her. I wanted to visit her all by myself and see what happens if I do. Swim through the crowd of mass people who want to also spend their "atleast" whole day with their "gone to heaven" loved ones, risk my wallet by joining in with people living in slum [ I am referring to culprits, holdapers, etc ], though this sounds odd because I'm broke.
TM4DT!
What I really wanted to talk about is, the thing that happened a year ago. Well it was excatly 1 year and 3 months ago. When my partially ill friend talked about death. We were at Sm, at Wendys or Camayan? I forgot, but it is either of the two since it was both her favorite.
I remember we were having this conversation about her soon-dialysis and I always bats in when the topic gets melodramatic, kid around like nothing serious was happening. Yes. I acted nonchalant.
Well it was crazy, I'll tell you, because I was the one who shifts the topic to "death". Well as weird as I am, I was just curious about her reaction, points of view and perspective bout it.
She said that she never thought of it as a bad thing tho she was somewhat scared.
She even stated that she really tried killing herself when she was 15, she added that death is one of the easiest way to escape this world or boredom, cruelty, and selfishness.
And I was like O.o.
I was thinking hard at that moment. "Lucky! what world are you living in?" well to tell you, my childhood wasn't really idealistic. Never idealistic, so to speak. I was always left to play with myself. No parents attending at my guidance but I onced had a very good Aunt, well sooo muchie for thatie!
Well I was saying "What world is this friend of mine, talking about?"
My childhood wasn't perfect, my today life isn't that great, but I'm not living a nightmare of cruelty, boredom [ well, sometimes ] but cruelty and selfishness? Yes, I am aware of the environment's negative, impulsive doings, but I know how to isolate myself from it, them. We may have different lives, perspective and beliefs and I wasn't making sense by comparing mine to hers.
But hear me. Whoever you are. This life of ours is full of anything, negative, positive, miseries, problems, adventures, cockroaches, rats and even worms!
But who give a damn? Atleast we still breathe, we still live, we still have time, sooo much time to deal with every problems we encounter every single minute of this life. Atleast we're not burried deep down the cold soil, waiting for worms to eat and share our flesh with their whole gang. [ geez, ew ], or roam around this earth, scaring the shit out of people, hunting them everyday and wait for our judgement day.
This is life.
and puh-leez, stop talking about fairness such as "life's not fair", because is 18 years of my existence, thats what I learned best. Life is unfair. But still you have to live with it, be with the unfairness 24/7, round the clock, pages of calendars.
Ofcourse we are only humans, unpredictable, sophisticated, dreamy, ambitious and confused. When we have problems, we cry, sob, curse everyone, wish we're dead for this world doesn't seem to get along with us. But when we're sick, we're dying to live. Praying to God to help us, makes our life loooonger, so we'll have more time blaming about our existence. How absurd right?
My advice.
Just thank God for your vulnerability and ability to feel.
Thank God that you are where you are.
-Eriebruin.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Stop.Look.
There are moments that i feel i'm going nowhere and i'm scared and want to surrender...but each day comes and i realize, the journey is a whole lot better.
everyday i go on that road to unknown, passing by places unfamiliar...i got lost but still i persevere, coz i know deep inside that i'm never alone.
the world looks at me, they see a strong person. they can never see, that beneath this exterior, i'm completely different, entirely.
all they ever see, when they look at me, is someone who defied everyone, just for one. they can never see, that in this life, all it takes is one...
riding on a public vehicle, on the road to endless possibilities, rushing to get there, but i could never arrive to where i'm going that fast. coz one way or another, i look up and the traffic light doesn't allow me...ever so slowly, my journey at a pace, the red light never goes on for long. all it takes is to pause for a while, stare ahead---and see what's beyond...be patient, for time comes, the light turns green.
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